Do you ever get angry when someone offers you unsolicited, negative feedback? Ever find yourself getting bristly, defensive, wanting to crawl into a hole, or find yourself spiraling into self-defeating thoughts after getting painful feedback you weren’t expecting?

We’ve all been there.

We want to improve. We want to get better. But feedback is sometimes just hard to take in.

In Part 1 of this feedback series, I shared how to give hard feedback that would lead to an optimal outcome. Here, I’d like to focus on how to get the right kind of feedback that would be most helpful to you.

Strategic people never wait to receive feedback. They do not wait for it to land haphazardly in their lap when they least expect it. They do not wait until people are so fed up with them that there is a major blow-up.

Instead, the most strategic people actively and routinely ask for feedback so that they can actively keep improving.

How do you optimize getting good feedback? You need to consider both the right people for the job (the who) and how to access the right information for what you need (the how).

Choosing Whom to Ask for Feedback

1. History: Do not ask people who have demonstrated being judgmental and unhelpful in the past. No matter how much of an expert they might be, they are unlikely to be helpful. Ask yourself:

Does this person know me well? Have they already demonstrated that they are invested in my wellbeing or success?

Is this about me or more about them? (The answer isn’t always straightforward and often it’s a combo of the two.)

How much have they actually read/seen of my work prior to giving the feedback?

Have they also given me positive feedback in the past? Or is it always only negative?

2. Context Knowledge: Ask people who have enough information about you, or are interested and willing to spend the time getting to learn more about you. Advice without context is not helpful.

3. Disposition: Ask people who are able to be honest and caring.

4. Multiple Data Points: Get multiple perspectives, not just one. Then, see what emerges as a trend across people that you should pay attention to.

5. Trust: Know whom to trust for what purpose. You can trust some people with your money but not with taking care of your children. You can trust other people with your deepest, darkest secrets but not with your money. Start learning whom you can trust for what kind of feedback.

6. Comfort: Avoid asking people who have trouble giving feedback. I know this sounds like a no-brainer, but some people are better at serving as your champions. Let them maintain their champion/supporter role with you. Seek feedback from the people in your life who seem to feel comfortable giving you hard, honest feedback in the service of helping you get even better.

7. Helping Relationships: Create helping relationships at work where it is a routine part of your work together to request and receive help for mutual growth and benefit.

How to Get the Right Feedback for What You Need

How can you increase the likelihood of it going well? Here are 7 steps:

Be clear with your request. State upfront what you need and don’t need.
Preliminary decision. Evaluate the feedback you are given. Is this feedback in the service of helping me grow? If so, take it seriously and reflect on it.
Be gracious. Regardless of whether you agree or not, express appreciation for the time they took to share their perspective. It is not easy giving someone hard feedback, and if they took the risk to give it, make sure you continue making it easy for them in the future to share more.
Stay curious. If you are confused, or it’s not clear what you can do with the information, ask more questions to gather more information. “Can you give me an example so I know what it looks like? Can you tell me more?”
Reflect. Regardless of whether you agree or not, give yourself at least a day (even longer is better) to sit with the feedback.
Gather more data. During your reflection time, if the feedback is confusing, talk with other people who know you well and are also invested in your wellbeing or success and ask them if they see the same thing. The more data points you gather that point to supporting the same feedback, the more you need to pay attention and act on it.
Act. Choose to do something with the feedback that will help you improve.

Part 1 of this series: Five Strategic for Giving Better Feedback

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Mira Brancu is co-author of the Millennials’ Guide to Workplace Politics, which includes tips like those above and more.