by Mira Brancu, PhD

This is the closest I got to the stage the TEDxCaryWomen event. I loved it. It was amazing. And I was there because I was rejected as a speaker. Yup! And I'm not ashamed of that. In fact, I owe much of my career success to many rejections.

At this point, I don't even flinch from rejection. I embrace it as a message to learn something so I can try again or try something else better prepared next time.

For 2020, one of my business goals is to increase my speaking engagements. This is not just an important goal for my company, but also for me as I had avoided it in 2019. The fact that I'm even making it a goal is amazing considering how far I've come from 15 years ago when I was really struggling with a significant public speaking phobia and shyness (which I know would come as a shock to most people).

One of my dearest friends, Lynn Scherer, who is an expert in the fundraising and development world (among many other talents) planted a seed: "Have you thought of doing a TED talk? I want to see you doing that and there are many local opportunities." So I started exploring.

When you keep your eyes open for specific opportunities, they almost always start appearing. And that's what happened when I started being more open to considering this idea as a possibility.

Michelle Proctor, who is a Principal Business Operations Manager in risk management for SAS, a computer software company headquartered locally in Cary, NC planted the next seed. Michelle leads and serves in many capacities supporting women leaders in her community and beyond (including serving as an advisor for my own company) and she became involved in bringing TEDx to the Cary community through SAS.

She posted an announcement on LinkedIn and I reached out expressing interest in learning more about applying. She was excited to hear I was interested and encouraged me to apply and to talk with the curator, Stephanie Sarazin to learn more about what they were looking for. Stephanie was amazingly supportive, enthusiastic, and thoughtful with her feedback about how I could hone my message.

I quickly bought a ticket and invited my good friend and colleague, Kate Scott to join me. I figured if I was accepted to speak, my husband could take my seat to watch me, and if not, I would enjoy a lovely event with Kate. This also forced me to not back out.

A month later, I received the most supportive rejection letter I have ever received. I knew deep down I wasn't really ready for this huge leap and the letter confirmed that. But it also confirmed that I had a good message worthy of refining and trying again. It was nice to even be considered!

I went to this TEDx event wearing exactly what I had planned to wear if I had been accepted to speak. And if anyone asked, I proudly shared that I was rejected as a speaker and was excited to be there instead as a supporter and to learn.

This is actually an important practice of mine. I intentionally and actively share with others, especially those I coach and mentor, when things do not work out the way I expect - the rejections, embarrassing "failures", moments of doubt and fear.... Too often we see only the final outcome rather than the many challenges people have overcome to get to that point. We don't learn from outcomes. We learn from the process.

I enjoyed the event just as much as if I had been accepted to speak. In fact, I suspect I enjoyed it even more and gained so much as an attendee. I had the opportunity to hear some amazing speakers and learn more about the craft through them. I reconnected with colleagues I hadn't seen in a while, networked, and met new colleagues who all had a similar interest in empowering women leaders.

You can choose to see a rejection as an event in which someone else is closing a door and shutting you out; or you can see it as a way to be open to new doors previously not seen. In this situation, as in many others in my life, the difference is how you go about pursuing any opportunity.

Putting it together, here are five tips to embracing rejection:

Don't let fear of rejection hold you back. Think of it as a calculated risk you are taking to open more doors for yourself. The outcome is way less important than the process.
Listen to, accept, and reach out to people who are eager to support you and ask for help, guidance, or feedback. Success almost always takes a village.
Use any rejection as an opportunity to learn. Sometimes, immediately after a rejection, people close themselves off to engaging any further in that activity - perhaps for fear of additional emotional pain, embarrassment, or feeling unwanted. These feelings often come from assumptions we tell ourselves, not from what the other party is trying to tell us. Let yourself challenge those assumptions and accept the rejection as feedback to make some tweaks to the approach or outcome.
Be proud that you tried.
Remember that you were considered. If you don't ever try and take risks, you will undoubtedly face fewer rejections, but you will also not be considered as often for amazing new opportunities.

Each time you choose to avoid trying something simply because of fear of rejection, you close the door yourself instead of letting someone else consider you first.

Here's proof:

When you don't try, your likelihood of getting an opportunity is pretty close to 0.

In the past 2 months, I went full-throttle with no fear of rejection. I submitted 18 proposals (including this TEDx talk) and here's what happened:

8 of those submitted talks were approved
2 were rejected (TEDx was by far my biggest reach)
2 invited me to complete a full application for further consideration
6 have not responded yet (you never know, but that's not a rejection yet!)

AND AN UNEXPECTED BONUS! After speaking at a few events, posting and sharing with others who may be interested, and in general letting people know about my interest in speaking more, I got 5 additional invitations to speak.

That means if I didn't try, the number would have been close to 0, but by trying and being open to rejection, I have received 13 opportunities to speak.

That's a 72% return on investment for trying!